My Cancer Journey 1/9 #1

At’s almost 2 AM and I have sleeping snce 3 PM or so. Did get up for a couple of hours, ate, watched PBS Newshour which gave both details and perspective on the events of the week that consumed you all in real time. I’m not ready to stop sleeping but I’m taking a break from it listening to Brahms. I took another sleeping pill so it will kick in sometime soon and I’ll crash for the rest of the night. So for Peg — it’s OK 1 pill at 3 PM and 1pill at 2 AM is OK. I’m not gonna OD.

The oncologist on Thursday told me this was a marathon not a sprint. I started to write about that yesterday — about being more comfortable with distance running than all out sprints. When you sprint, you get winded. And I got winded last night. I had nothing left. I was spent. When you run a distance you run with pace — I would take breaks — go smell the flowers so to speak. I think I have to learn to do that in this batttle as well. I can’t afford to blow my wad and not get the results I want and have nothing left to keep fighting. So I am going to keep writing, keep listening to beautiful music like this, let John and other friends (Kevin???) help me discover more classical music, watch a movie now and then and try to be less obsessive about mantras and translations and all that stuff. Just take a break now and again. I need to relax and breathe as Bob would and did say. This pill is kicking in. I’m gonna turn the Brahms down real low and go back to bed.

3:46 PM — Been a good day so far. Nothing like sleep. Thre is a reason they use sleep deprivation as a turture technique. It is fucking brutal. Sue came over with stuff for me. I ordered an electric blanket and some fleece sock on Amazon and will get my feet toasty and warm one way of another. Had a good couseling session. Might even get to start some online yoga next week. I’m nowhere as good at it as I used to be before my knee surgeries, but that’s the thing abut yoga — it is the least competitive thing you can do. You just do what you can. Tadasana is what I need to practice right now and I can start that today. I am going to be more relaxed about how I approach this journey now that I know it’s a marathon.. It came on so fast and was moving so quickly in the beginning, I felt absolutely driven to wrk on it 24/7. As I said above, now I can apporach it with more PACE. Might watch a couple of fottball games this weekend. Rams/Seahawks starts in a few minutes. What I do for games is put them on on both TV’s and then walk around in a little circle in my little house and I catch the game on both TV’s as I walk around from room to room. For anyone who’s been here you know what I’m talking about. I mute the sound during commercials. So I am actually moving during the game instead of just sitting like a bump on a log. And today I need to do some moving. So I will watch that game and The Bears/Saints tomorrow for another slow walk. Saints are the Falcons biggest rivals and have had the better of them for years now and cousin Joe in Chicago will be watching and probably my brother Jack so we can all talk about that game after the BEARS win it.

A good old buddy called today and it will be good to talk to him when we reconnect.

So Rams-Seahawks. The game is over and I’m pretty stoned. Paul has on text with me but he didn’t have much to say about the game. I am going to text Joe and Jack and tell them that I will watch the whole game. To the bitter end. Saints are the Falcons biggest rival, so I’m with the Bears on this one. But the Saints are really tough. Oh well. I do this with other buddy. Just text back and forth watching a game. It’s a great way to watch a game with a group. We’ll see who’s current on the blog. This is a test. But I’m letting Jack and Joe that I am wearing white and burnt orange and navy blue. If I can find any around here. Have some folks coming to the deck tomorrow at 2. And the family FaceTime now instead of Zoom. We’ll see if it works tomorrow. And then I’ll turn on the game at 4. There’s my afternoon. I’ll use the morning to get all the shit I have to do done. So there’s the day tomorrow. Really fine.

I’m still pretty stoned. Ate 3 gummies tonight. Game was great but the bad guys won. Oh I gotta go find some music. Leanard Cohen. I have everything. So its all on random play. So this will a be fun night.

I’m gonna go move a little more to the music this time. back later. Did walking meditation for one lap on my little indoor trail. And so here for rest. I did do alot of stretching and moving during the rams game. On my feet the whole game and will do that tomorrow too. but I do miss the movement that I had swimming at the Y evey day. Damn open sore on my leg. The bisposy site. That sore is still open sore but in a way it is a blessing in disguise in that without it how much longer would it have taken them to find out it was in my bones. So I immediately became stage 4. Got a text from the Aquatics Director over there, Beth. I have 4 long sleeve t-shirt to my name. Lots of short sleeve in cotton and that no sweat stuff. And that’s what I use most of the time. In fact I bought 2 more spring ones to work into the rotation this year and donate a bunch of the rest. IU gotta talk to Allen about this. I have some 6 boxes now but hee’s has a truck and I’d like to give him a truckfull. There is so much shit here that I don’t use or wear. so I’ll get a couple more boxes together next week with like that worthless comforter and some old clothes — Like that Triathlon shirt that I showed you yesterday just need to go.

But only these 4 long sleeve. And I got em all from Beth. She did a 100 mile swim club every year. Boy there are some deep deep cuts on the playlist. Now to a get a T-shirt you had to swim 100 miles within the year. That’s not that really a big deal big a deal. I used to swim 1 mile a day and it took me an hour to swim a mile.. I didn’t do all the timing shit except a looking at the wall clock. so I have to swim 100 days out of 365. And you get a long leeve T-shirt. Not bad. I have 4. Allen is going to drop off a bunch of wall calendars there. You know the kind with animals and and nature from organizations that you donate to. I use 3 per year and really only 1 where I record my weight daily. And I just put the rest (15–20) on the check out desk at th Y for anyone. What a waste of trees for these environmental charities to send out all these calendars for fund raising. It’s just such a waste of resources. I didn’t give any of them money this year. I was at 213 lb before Chemo but I think I’m down. I haven’t had appetite. I’ll weight myself tomorrow. Bird on the Wire. I set out a bagel and some almond butter and jelly to come to room temperature. Ill eat that before I go to bed. It’s 10 here and that is young in the night for me normally. If I get tired I will take a pill and go sleep. But for now I’m gonna hang. still pretty stoned. Gummies take a little more time than I’d like to wear off. But they make me so much more aware of my body. So I just do all kinds of shit to move it in as many directions as I can. I was swimming every day at the Y before the second biposy. I had this unknow rash I guess on my leg but I swam. They have a great Covid protocol. 4 lanes — your reserve a lane time once per hour. It’s a mad dash in cyberpace.. I use the laptop cuz it’s faster than the phone so I usually get the reservation I want. So I was in a good groove before all this started. You get 45 minutes in the pool and the lifeguard theoretically disinfects everything for the group and gets some time off I think. Policy has changed to Pool time 55 minutes and 5 min for disinfecting. I haven’t been able to go back since the policy changed. And now with a cancer diagnosis I can’t go back at all even if this sore heals. They all know I have cancer but am doing OK. Well noone really knows anybody else by name.You sort of can’t hear or talk while you do it. I use a mantra that I got fom The Prosperos sort of from a a talk by unknow to me Roy Enguene Davis when I swim. Just one he put in the class. Beth knows I have concer. So that’s my Y. Been there a long time. Sometime I use it alot sometimes I dont at all but I keep paying dues because I want to give them money. I hope some of my very close friends that are little freaked out by all this come back to the blog. Come back to me.

So many stories to tell. Captain Underpants - That’s great one. OK I will work on that. I’m stoned but I’ll publish this and start a new narrative. I hope I remember Captain Underpants.

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